The circumstances that surrounded my father's death were too much to bare. I knew my heart couldn't withstand the pain of anymore wounds so I decided to get lost in my own world. I isolated myself from reality by entering a masters program to become a teacher. I also found myself in a bad relationship that provided me with a distorted sense of stability. Gambling, overeating, and avoidance allowed me to get through. It wasn't much of a life but a least I didn't have to feel. I yearned for more but was scared to reach. The money and thrill gambling provided never satisfied the deepest longings of my soul.
During a 3 week period in 2004 I lost my dear uncle Robert and my grandmother who we called "Nana". Being a pallbearer at 2 funerals 3 weeks apart only put me into a further depression. It allowed me to justify my darkness. I was in a comfortable state of despair. No one could hurt me now. I was afraid to cry because I thought I wouldn't stop.
I remember hearing a knock on my door one Sunday afternoon. My usual reaction would be to pretend to not be home, or to kindly decline what they had to offer. But this time was different. I knew who it was and felt like I needed to hear their voice this time. I was in a vulnerable state so I decided to answer the door. I opened the door to a smiling face from a Jehovah's witness. She asked if she could read something to me and I agreed. Even though I didn't know what I was yearning for I knew I was empty. A void consumed my life like the darkness of night. Whatever she had to offer I was willing to receive at that particular moment. I allowed myself to feel again for only but a moment. God was calling me but I was afraid of being hurt again. My bitterness and hurt towards God and my father allowed me to remain cold. Living a life with a hardened heart was a choice I thought I had to make. How long could I go on living this way?
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