Father, Where Are You?

After trying to balance partying and keeping up with college, I found myself empty. The hallucination that I saw in the clouds left a residue of longing to find my father again. See my father was in and out of my life ever since I was a kid. My mother had left him after she realized he had a steady heroin habit. That kept him away for weeks at a time and irritable when he was home.  I remember playing outside as a kid and getting phone calls from him that would totally ruin my day. Hearing him cry would cause resent to boil inside me. Out of sight out of mind was a healthy way to look at things back then.

Every young man who has lived a life without his father longs for that missing bond. Life doesn't seem complete, something always seems to be missing. Well I wasn't an exception. Since my life seemed to be spiraling out of control, I thought reuniting with my father was what I needed. My estranged relationship with my father left a huge hole in my heart, a void that needed to be filled. 

Around the time I was about 12 or 13 years old my father got remarried and became a Christian. He was living what I thought was the "Christian Life", running a women's home for his church. Even though I thought he was a hypocrite for trying to preach the bible to me, but hadn't been there as a father, I still longed for that relationship.

So I decided to visit him and his family in Escondido where they lived. It was weird seeing my father with his new family. Something about him living this life made me feel cheated and left out. My cute lil sister Desiree, who was probably 5 at the time, even taught me how to pray. "Look. Put your hand  in front of you like this. That's how easy it is", she said. My father taking me to bible study class was my boiling point. Even though my father was trying to plant a seed, my bitter roots grew deep. Not only did I leave that trip feeling empty inside, I felt that my father, who had not been there for me my whole life, was trying to judge me.

What I didn't realize then that I do now was that my Heavenly Father was calling me and I ignored His call. For now...