The circumstances that surrounded my father's death were too much to bare. I knew my heart couldn't withstand the pain of anymore wounds so I decided to get lost in my own world. I isolated myself from reality by entering a masters program to become a teacher. I also found myself in a bad relationship that provided me with a distorted sense of stability. Gambling, overeating, and avoidance allowed me to get through. It wasn't much of a life but a least I didn't have to feel. I yearned for more but was scared to reach. The money and thrill gambling provided never satisfied the deepest longings of my soul.
During a 3 week period in 2004 I lost my dear uncle Robert and my grandmother who we called "Nana". Being a pallbearer at 2 funerals 3 weeks apart only put me into a further depression. It allowed me to justify my darkness. I was in a comfortable state of despair. No one could hurt me now. I was afraid to cry because I thought I wouldn't stop.
I remember hearing a knock on my door one Sunday afternoon. My usual reaction would be to pretend to not be home, or to kindly decline what they had to offer. But this time was different. I knew who it was and felt like I needed to hear their voice this time. I was in a vulnerable state so I decided to answer the door. I opened the door to a smiling face from a Jehovah's witness. She asked if she could read something to me and I agreed. Even though I didn't know what I was yearning for I knew I was empty. A void consumed my life like the darkness of night. Whatever she had to offer I was willing to receive at that particular moment. I allowed myself to feel again for only but a moment. God was calling me but I was afraid of being hurt again. My bitterness and hurt towards God and my father allowed me to remain cold. Living a life with a hardened heart was a choice I thought I had to make. How long could I go on living this way?
Monday, May 27, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The September 11th Of My Life
Hearing my father cry on the phone broke my heart. I spent the next few months holding on to hope that his ailing body would recover. I tried to reserve a spot in my heart where we could get beyond what we had gone through. Forgiveness would be hard but was it worth the shot? I guess I will never know.
I eventually received a phone call that my father was in critical condition in ICU up in San Francisco. I quickly booked a flight to go up and see him. Time seemed to stop as I walked in the hospital. I knew things were grave as my aunts came to embrace me. Doctors immediately began asking me of all people what I wanted to do. I hadn't even had time to collect my thoughts and I was suppose to decide whether or not to pull the plug. That was the exact moment I knew I would never talk to my father ever again. Pain so familiar as a kid set in. I began to cry uncontrollably. Tears streamed down my face. I was a boy left without his father without any explanations whatsoever. In knowing I would never be able to ask the millions of questions I had for my father, was so hard.
I spent the anniversary of 9-11 at the hospital in and out of crying induced comas. Even though my father was on life support we all knew it was the end. Family slowly began showing up to say their goodbyes. My father's pastor and some brothers from the church showed up at 2:00am on September 12th to watch his soul depart. They prayed over him and there he went. Why hadn't he died before when we were all there? I didn't realize then that God had a plan for my father all along. His departure couldn't have been anymore perfect. As my father ascended into Heaven, I was safely away in my hotel room. As I figured out what the next chapter of my life would bring now that my father had died, I felt confused. How could I write the next chapter of my life when so many unanswered questions remained?
I wouldn't see my sister Desiree, who was only 11 at the time of the funeral, until her wedding 8 years later. A trip that would change my life and eventually take me on a journey I never thought I would take.
I eventually received a phone call that my father was in critical condition in ICU up in San Francisco. I quickly booked a flight to go up and see him. Time seemed to stop as I walked in the hospital. I knew things were grave as my aunts came to embrace me. Doctors immediately began asking me of all people what I wanted to do. I hadn't even had time to collect my thoughts and I was suppose to decide whether or not to pull the plug. That was the exact moment I knew I would never talk to my father ever again. Pain so familiar as a kid set in. I began to cry uncontrollably. Tears streamed down my face. I was a boy left without his father without any explanations whatsoever. In knowing I would never be able to ask the millions of questions I had for my father, was so hard.
I spent the anniversary of 9-11 at the hospital in and out of crying induced comas. Even though my father was on life support we all knew it was the end. Family slowly began showing up to say their goodbyes. My father's pastor and some brothers from the church showed up at 2:00am on September 12th to watch his soul depart. They prayed over him and there he went. Why hadn't he died before when we were all there? I didn't realize then that God had a plan for my father all along. His departure couldn't have been anymore perfect. As my father ascended into Heaven, I was safely away in my hotel room. As I figured out what the next chapter of my life would bring now that my father had died, I felt confused. How could I write the next chapter of my life when so many unanswered questions remained?
I wouldn't see my sister Desiree, who was only 11 at the time of the funeral, until her wedding 8 years later. A trip that would change my life and eventually take me on a journey I never thought I would take.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Not Your Typical Phone Call
If you've ever thought, "Can things get any worse?", well they can. As I recovered from a torturous evening, I never thought it could have gotten worse, but it did. I received a phone call from my Aunt Nicki, who was my father's sister. She told me that my father was very sick and in the hospital and wanted to talk to me. I was floored! Confusion and anguish set in. How could he be getting married if he was sick? What did he want to talk to me about? As these thoughts scattered throughout my head I knew deep down in my heart I needed to call him, but I didn't want to. I was still angry from the night before and wasn't quite sure what I would even say. Somehow I found the courage to pick up the phone and call my father.
As I looked at the number my aunt had given me, sweat poured through my hands. I was afraid. I didn't know actually what I was about to face. I kind of knew that this might be the last time I got to talk to my father. Turns out it was. I still remember what he said. These tones of pain and regret had so resonated my heart as a kid. My father cried like a newborn child continuously as he had so many times before. But this time was different. As my father cried out, "I'm sorry", there was a finality to his voice, as if this would be the end. Turns out that my father was terminally ill. His organs and the rest of his body were failing him fast. He told me that he was sorry and to watch after my sister Desiree, and that was all I got. I got no explanations for what he had done my entire life. I still held onto hope of having a chance to speak to him one more time. Time was running out fast though.
As I looked at the number my aunt had given me, sweat poured through my hands. I was afraid. I didn't know actually what I was about to face. I kind of knew that this might be the last time I got to talk to my father. Turns out it was. I still remember what he said. These tones of pain and regret had so resonated my heart as a kid. My father cried like a newborn child continuously as he had so many times before. But this time was different. As my father cried out, "I'm sorry", there was a finality to his voice, as if this would be the end. Turns out that my father was terminally ill. His organs and the rest of his body were failing him fast. He told me that he was sorry and to watch after my sister Desiree, and that was all I got. I got no explanations for what he had done my entire life. I still held onto hope of having a chance to speak to him one more time. Time was running out fast though.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
A Marriage Invitation
The events that took place from the Summer of 2002 up to the 1 year anniversary of September 11th were as confusing, devastating, and crippling as any years of my life. This hadn't been the first time I had disowned my father. A long string of disappointments led me to almost anticipate them, as a boxer reacts to his opponent. But this time was different. The pain and heartache my father caused by walking away from our relationship was the final straw. In my heart and in my mind my father ceased to exist, until that one Friday afternoon.
Summer was here and that always brought me excitement. I hadn't really thought about my father or the events that transpired until I opened a letter addressed to me. It was a wedding invitation from my father announcing that he was going to get married. At this point saying I was mad is an understatement. I was crushed, confused, and furious balled into one. I was angry at my father for not calling me himself. Had he met someone during the time we hadn't talked? Or did he choose not to mention her while we spent those few days together? Why hadn't he called me during those months? All of these painful thoughts and emotions were running through my head. I was overwhelmed as you can imagine. I couldn't absorb any more wounds.
My way out, my escape was to ignore the invitation. Surely I wasn't going to show up to my father's wedding. The crazy thing is I never had the opportunity to even decide. The following day a simple phone call would force me to make a tougher decision then I ever realized. Forgiveness.
Summer was here and that always brought me excitement. I hadn't really thought about my father or the events that transpired until I opened a letter addressed to me. It was a wedding invitation from my father announcing that he was going to get married. At this point saying I was mad is an understatement. I was crushed, confused, and furious balled into one. I was angry at my father for not calling me himself. Had he met someone during the time we hadn't talked? Or did he choose not to mention her while we spent those few days together? Why hadn't he called me during those months? All of these painful thoughts and emotions were running through my head. I was overwhelmed as you can imagine. I couldn't absorb any more wounds.
My way out, my escape was to ignore the invitation. Surely I wasn't going to show up to my father's wedding. The crazy thing is I never had the opportunity to even decide. The following day a simple phone call would force me to make a tougher decision then I ever realized. Forgiveness.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Broken Promises Lead To A Broken Heart
Shortly after graduation I received a graduation card from my father with $100 inside. I was very surprised and unsure of how to respond. See I hadn't really spoke to him since I went to go visit him years back. For some reason FORGIVENESS was weighing on my heart. I longed to be with my father, to establish what was lost all those years.
I decided to let the anger, resentment, and hurt go and allow him back into my life. Even though it was a tough decision I hoped that reuniting with my father would fill the void that was missing in my heart.
I invited him over for the weekend and we spent what would be our last days together. We hung out, watched sports, ate junk food, and read the sports page. I didn't realize until that moment that we were so much alike. I even took my father to see a Lakers game which we both enjoyed. It was almost too good to be true. He left on good terms and I was very excited to start this new beginning, this new chapter in my life that I so longed for. This was around November 2011.
As time passed Christmas came around and I didn't hear from my father. January, February, March. Surely my father will call me on my birthday I thought. And no phone call. After letting my father back into my life he did what he always did, disappoint. That broke my heart into a million pieces. This time was going to be the last time he had the opportunity to hurt me. I decided to shut him out of my life, to completely erase him from my memory was the plan. And that's what I did until I got a letter and phone call that would change my world forever.
I decided to let the anger, resentment, and hurt go and allow him back into my life. Even though it was a tough decision I hoped that reuniting with my father would fill the void that was missing in my heart.
I invited him over for the weekend and we spent what would be our last days together. We hung out, watched sports, ate junk food, and read the sports page. I didn't realize until that moment that we were so much alike. I even took my father to see a Lakers game which we both enjoyed. It was almost too good to be true. He left on good terms and I was very excited to start this new beginning, this new chapter in my life that I so longed for. This was around November 2011.
As time passed Christmas came around and I didn't hear from my father. January, February, March. Surely my father will call me on my birthday I thought. And no phone call. After letting my father back into my life he did what he always did, disappoint. That broke my heart into a million pieces. This time was going to be the last time he had the opportunity to hurt me. I decided to shut him out of my life, to completely erase him from my memory was the plan. And that's what I did until I got a letter and phone call that would change my world forever.
2001: A Conflicted Year
2001 was and is probably the most conflicted year of my life. Even though I anticipated the excitement and joy of graduating from UC Berkeley, my grandmother's health was failing. And so began a roller coaster ride over the next several months. My grandmother Graciela passed away in May 2001 which was heartbreaking to say the least. We had grown up living with her as kids so when she passed our family needed to be put back together again.
My sister had been pregnant during the time our grandmother was sick. It's funny because she was scared to tell her she was going to have a baby. Even though she told her, we still don't know for sure if she really knew. My nephew Valentino was born a month after my grandmother died. June 2001.
It was hard to celebrate my graduation in knowing my grandmother wasn't there to share in those memories. September 11th, 2001 soon followed which only added to this conflicted year. I never would have thought that this day would hold such a burden on my heart as it has. My father would be fighting for his life on this day the following year.
My sister had been pregnant during the time our grandmother was sick. It's funny because she was scared to tell her she was going to have a baby. Even though she told her, we still don't know for sure if she really knew. My nephew Valentino was born a month after my grandmother died. June 2001.
It was hard to celebrate my graduation in knowing my grandmother wasn't there to share in those memories. September 11th, 2001 soon followed which only added to this conflicted year. I never would have thought that this day would hold such a burden on my heart as it has. My father would be fighting for his life on this day the following year.
Father, Where Are You?
After trying to balance partying and keeping up with college, I found myself empty. The hallucination that I saw in the clouds left a residue of longing to find my father again. See my father was in and out of my life ever since I was a kid. My mother had left him after she realized he had a steady heroin habit. That kept him away for weeks at a time and irritable when he was home. I remember playing outside as a kid and getting phone calls from him that would totally ruin my day. Hearing him cry would cause resent to boil inside me. Out of sight out of mind was a healthy way to look at things back then.
Every young man who has lived a life without his father longs for that missing bond. Life doesn't seem complete, something always seems to be missing. Well I wasn't an exception. Since my life seemed to be spiraling out of control, I thought reuniting with my father was what I needed. My estranged relationship with my father left a huge hole in my heart, a void that needed to be filled.
Around the time I was about 12 or 13 years old my father got remarried and became a Christian. He was living what I thought was the "Christian Life", running a women's home for his church. Even though I thought he was a hypocrite for trying to preach the bible to me, but hadn't been there as a father, I still longed for that relationship.
So I decided to visit him and his family in Escondido where they lived. It was weird seeing my father with his new family. Something about him living this life made me feel cheated and left out. My cute lil sister Desiree, who was probably 5 at the time, even taught me how to pray. "Look. Put your hand in front of you like this. That's how easy it is", she said. My father taking me to bible study class was my boiling point. Even though my father was trying to plant a seed, my bitter roots grew deep. Not only did I leave that trip feeling empty inside, I felt that my father, who had not been there for me my whole life, was trying to judge me.
What I didn't realize then that I do now was that my Heavenly Father was calling me and I ignored His call. For now...
Every young man who has lived a life without his father longs for that missing bond. Life doesn't seem complete, something always seems to be missing. Well I wasn't an exception. Since my life seemed to be spiraling out of control, I thought reuniting with my father was what I needed. My estranged relationship with my father left a huge hole in my heart, a void that needed to be filled.
Around the time I was about 12 or 13 years old my father got remarried and became a Christian. He was living what I thought was the "Christian Life", running a women's home for his church. Even though I thought he was a hypocrite for trying to preach the bible to me, but hadn't been there as a father, I still longed for that relationship.
So I decided to visit him and his family in Escondido where they lived. It was weird seeing my father with his new family. Something about him living this life made me feel cheated and left out. My cute lil sister Desiree, who was probably 5 at the time, even taught me how to pray. "Look. Put your hand in front of you like this. That's how easy it is", she said. My father taking me to bible study class was my boiling point. Even though my father was trying to plant a seed, my bitter roots grew deep. Not only did I leave that trip feeling empty inside, I felt that my father, who had not been there for me my whole life, was trying to judge me.
What I didn't realize then that I do now was that my Heavenly Father was calling me and I ignored His call. For now...
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Raves, Music, & Drugs
Going to RAVES was a common thing back then. My circle of friends weren't the type to only go to enjoy the TECHNO MUSIC. At these rave parties you would find an abundance of drugs of all kinds. ACID, SHROOMS, ECSTASY, WEED could be bought or shared depending on who you knew.
On this particular night we went to a huge warehouse in OAKLAND where we had all planned to take our drug of choice. For Mashaad and Sara it was ECSTASY and for me it was SHROOMS. As we roamed around checking out what was going on inside I ran into someone I knew. This guy asked my if I wanted to find some ACID. I had forgotten I already ate SHROOMS before I went in. I was stupid enough to test my limits by doing ACID as well. I felt as if I was going to lose control, go out of my mind literally. I even saw the DEVIL in my friend as she turned beet red. My friends who were both high on Ecstasy had to find a way to drive me home. I spent the rest of the night in my bed searching for any thoughts of stability. I was losing control of myself fast. I knew that if I was going to find myself and some how finish college, the drug use was going to have to stop.
On this particular night we went to a huge warehouse in OAKLAND where we had all planned to take our drug of choice. For Mashaad and Sara it was ECSTASY and for me it was SHROOMS. As we roamed around checking out what was going on inside I ran into someone I knew. This guy asked my if I wanted to find some ACID. I had forgotten I already ate SHROOMS before I went in. I was stupid enough to test my limits by doing ACID as well. I felt as if I was going to lose control, go out of my mind literally. I even saw the DEVIL in my friend as she turned beet red. My friends who were both high on Ecstasy had to find a way to drive me home. I spent the rest of the night in my bed searching for any thoughts of stability. I was losing control of myself fast. I knew that if I was going to find myself and some how finish college, the drug use was going to have to stop.
Hallucinations In The Clouds
I arrived at UC Berkeley in the Summer of '96 to attend a summer bridge program before my freshman year started. Most of the students who were living on campus were athletes and those who wanted to experience what college was like before it actually began. Living in the dorms without any supervision and a desire to do whatever wasn't a good combination.
Before I ever actually entered a classroom I found myself roaming the streets of Telegraph looking for drugs. For some reason my friend Sara and I had the obsession of dropping ACID on campus. If you know anything about Berserk-Ley you already know that it didn't take us that long to find what we were looking for. Exploring our new campus became an adventure as we hiked up and down amazed at the trails we saw.
I think the reason I will never forget that night is because what I saw in the clouds. As I was high on ACID gazing into the sky I saw something that made my heart break completely. Some might think it's crazy to think that God can speak to someone while they are HIGH as a kite. But that's what happened. I had a vision of my father holding me as a baby. At the time I began crying uncontrollably because of the estranged relationship I had with my father. What I didn't know then that I know now was that my HEAVENLY FATHER was calling me. HE wanted me to know that HE had me in HIS arms and wasn't going to let go.
Before I ever actually entered a classroom I found myself roaming the streets of Telegraph looking for drugs. For some reason my friend Sara and I had the obsession of dropping ACID on campus. If you know anything about Berserk-Ley you already know that it didn't take us that long to find what we were looking for. Exploring our new campus became an adventure as we hiked up and down amazed at the trails we saw.
I think the reason I will never forget that night is because what I saw in the clouds. As I was high on ACID gazing into the sky I saw something that made my heart break completely. Some might think it's crazy to think that God can speak to someone while they are HIGH as a kite. But that's what happened. I had a vision of my father holding me as a baby. At the time I began crying uncontrollably because of the estranged relationship I had with my father. What I didn't know then that I know now was that my HEAVENLY FATHER was calling me. HE wanted me to know that HE had me in HIS arms and wasn't going to let go.
Berserk-Ley
Ever since I was in 6th grade I dreamed about going to Berkeley. After taking a road trip up there I knew that I wanted to go there. I remember speaking at a senior high school band banquet. Instead of thanking those who had supported me, I expressed my excitement to go to college and party. Let's just say that foreshadowed what was to come.
They call Berkeley "Berserk-Ley" for a reason. Amongst those who have dreams of graduating from Berkeley with that prestigious degree, is a dark underworld of drugs, hallucinations, and disillusionment. These short shorties give you a glimpse into my crazy world.
They call Berkeley "Berserk-Ley" for a reason. Amongst those who have dreams of graduating from Berkeley with that prestigious degree, is a dark underworld of drugs, hallucinations, and disillusionment. These short shorties give you a glimpse into my crazy world.
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